Tomorrow I have to do something I have never done before.
Tomorrow I have to do something that will break my heart.
Tomorrow I have to drop my little girl off at school- and for the first time in her life… mama won’t be staying with her.
I was her teacher for the first two years of her school career and after that, though I couldn’t have her right beside me, she was always just a couple steps down the hallway from me.
I know her teacher will care for her, I know she will love her and do everything she can to ease the transition, and yet, I worry.
I have always been there, she has never had to navigate the world of school alone. If we forgot something at drop off that morning all she had to do was walk to my classroom and mommy would make it better. If she needed money for an afternoon treat- I was right there. When someone hurt her feelings, made her cry, or she scraped her knee- mommy was still there. If she needed a hug or a quick cuddle- I was there. I’ve always been there.
I can’t be there for her anymore, and though it was no choice of my own- I’m still ridden with guilt and heart broken.
How many times will she get a tickle in her throat, a nervous tummy ache, a touch of anxiety, a need for reassurance and start to head to my classroom before she remembers I’m no longer there?
How many times will she see her friends whose mamas still remain at the school and feel a heartache that she can’t have that anymore?
She is such a big girl now and I know she will be okay, but this is a new chapter in my life- one that has no guide- no clear rules, and tons of guilt ridden doubts.
So tonight, I pray. I pray for her heart- may her heart be strong. May she know how much her mama loves her and misses her. May her heart be protected from anything that may try to break it. May the boys be good to her, may the girls be kind. I pray her teacher will love her like her own, that she will protect her, and not just her physical being but her spirit as well. God, please surround her with good friends. May her day be filled with happiness, and joy. May her struggles be few and far between. God please protect her little heart from the pain of fear and rejection. Be there for her when I cannot. Protect her in all that she does.
There is still so much uncertainty, but tonight I will tuck her into bed, knowing tomorrow I will get her dressed just like I always do. I’ll drive her to school just like any other day. I’ll open the door, I’ll walk her in- but for the first time… I’ll be saying goodbye.
Jenna is a former Early Childhood Educator who now spends her days chasing after her four rambunctious children all while pursuing a freelance writing career, guest posting, writing for the website Mommyish, and running her own blog. As a writer, she is passionate about bringing charisma and color to everything she writes. You can find out more about Jenna by visiting her website or by clicking the social media buttons below.